One - I've developed a theory that bladders have self-functioning minds of their own. And not nice minds either -- really super evil ones. Every single time I get snuggled up all warm in bed, all ready to sleep, my bladder is like "MWAHAHA time to pee!" and it is the worst. I'm on to you, bladder.
and Two - I am relatively convinced that a goose in my office parking lot is making moves to murder me.
It all started a few weeks ago when I was was walking toward my car and noticed the beast standing right next to my front bumper. This was unnerving because, well, I am afraid of birds. Yes, actually afraid. And so I did this little dance in the parking lot, trying to figure out which way to approach my car without him getting wise and trying to attack me. It wasn't easy to look cool while doing so. I ended up choosing the Crouch-And-Walk-As-Slowly-And-Invisibly-As-Possible Method, which was maybe a bad choice because it prolonged the amount of time everyone in the parking lot could mock me. But either way, I made it into my car and got the heck outta there. (not before snapping a picture of the goose from the safety of the driver's seat - see below)
The very next day, I was taking trash from our office out to the dumpster and guess what - there was the goose AGAIN. Just casually quacking around there like he was out for his daily smoke or something. A likely story. So I tossed the trash and as I ran like the wind away from there, I heard him HISS at me. We are dealing with evil personified, people.
I know you're all thinking that I'm being too dramatic here, but wait. A few days after my first two encounters with the goose I leave the office to grab coffee with some coworkers. I'm driving in my car, blissfully happy to have come caffeine in the cup holder, when someone goes "Oh look on that hill over there!" just as we enter the parking lot. Of course I break the car and turn to look AND GUESS WHO IT WAS. Yes, reader. THE EFFING GOOSE, THAT IS WHO.
He's just standing there, glaring like he's been waiting for me all along. As soon as I stop the car he spreads his at least 84903 foot wingspan and flies straight at my car! Naturally I scream at the top of my lungs and slam on the gas pedal, sending the car speeding across the parking lot. One of my coworkers said he felt like he was at the Animal Kingdom in one of those fake safari rides when an alligator suddenly approaches the jeep and your guide is like "Crykie! We gotta get out of here!" and speeds away. It was pretty much like that, except more dangerous and not as fun.
As you can see, this theory is 100% valid and not at all irrational.
Stay tuned for other conspiracy theories such as - Isn't it convenient that my computer battery always dies right when I'm in the middle of an episode of Scandal? and I'm still convinced that Trader Joe's Powerberries contain at least some amount of crack.
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