about dancing in the bathroom

If you've ever read Elizabeth Gilbert's book "Eat Pray Love" you know that she talks about crying on the bathroom floor.  It's therapeutic - definitely is. Those moment when you are just through with all of it and need a good sob -- feels so right sometimes.  I've definitely been there.

But I'm not here to talk to you about crying in the bathroom.

I'm here to talk to you about dancing.

Because friends, I realized something -- I have this little secret trick (not so secret anymore I guess) that really helps in life. And it struck me today that all good things are worth sharing, so here it goes:

I think that you should dance in the bathroom.

Stressed about a work project? Go dance in the bathroom.  About to go on a blind date?  Go dance in the bathroom.  Feeling like an inadequate member of the human race? Go dance in the bathroom.

Why? Because it's silly.  Because it'll make you grin.  Because life is too short not to be weird.  Because you just learned the Wop and you're going to practice it during the work day and no one is going to take that away from you, dammit.

But really it's because sometimes life catches you off guard and it gets choppy and rough and the best response is to let tomorrow worry about itself.  The best response is to give yourself some grace and to have some fun.

So seriously, the next time you need a breather -- go dance in the bathroom.

It'll feel great and I promise, it can be our little secret.  Everyone else thinks you're in there doing one (or maybe two) things; they'll have no idea that you're really flinging your arms in the air as you dance the Macarena.

I will not tell a soul.

about preparing him room

Stories shape our lives.  I say this not just as an English-major-person or a book-person but as a human being.

You know that feeling -- when you read a great story or hear one or have someone tell you one over coffee: the moment when you place yourself inside of something that wasn't yours before but then it becomes you.  You relate to the premise, you understand the trials, you see yourself in the characters, you weep from the sorrow, you learn from the lesson.  Stories knit us together in a beautiful way that is just plain true and undeniable.

I love remembering that as Advent season rolls around.  Because it is during this awesome season that we are invited to read the story of Christ, the story of how God became man and came to live with us. And each year that we read it we are knit deeper and deeper into it, and it becomes new to us.  Stories can stay the same, but their significance to us changes.  I kind of think of it like magic.

My sweet friend Sarah recommended John Piper's Advent readings called "Good News of Great Joy" and in it Piper encourages Advent season to be a time of self-examination; he quotes the song that says "let every heart prepare him room..." and that hit me today like it was brand new.

Prepare him room.  

Sometimes I see myself in stories and I wonder who I would be.  And today I saw myself in a role I'd never imagined before --  so often, as Jesus announces his presence in my life, as he asks to take up space within me, I simply tell him that I am too full.

There is no room in the inn.

During this season we wait and long and celebrate the presence of Christ; we hope for him and the earth groans for new birth.  But do we make the space necessary for his presence, for his radical entrance that will shake up and transform our lives? 

Preparing room is hard.  It involves heavy lifting.  It involves giving up the things you want to keep.  It involves knowing what's in there -- in the dark corners and hidden places -- what's happening in your heart that you let just live there because you'd rather not deal with it.  It is easier not to make the room.  But it is glorious if you do.

My prayer this Advent season is that I would truly let Christ's presence announce itself within me and that I would allow him to have all the space he needs to make me brand new. I have a hope that his presence can birth grace, patience, love, joy...all those things I want to be but am not very often. I have a hope that in the dusty work of clearing out rooms full of lies and pride and selfishness I am preparing for future glory, for a special guest to claim this house his own and to make something beautiful of it.

about winter, which had to come sometime...

Hey, Winter.

Well, you're basically here, aren't you? I knew you'd show up. I'm not trying to be rude, but I have to admit - I've been dreading you a bit.  Fall is so beautiful and colorful and there are pumpkin spiced things and crunchy leaves and it's still warm enough to hang out around a bonfire and eat s'mores late into the night.

But now you're showing up and things are getting cold and gray and I get afraid when it's icy because I fall a lot.

I'll try to be optimistic, though.

I'm betting too that this Winter Bucket List will make me joyful instead of sad-ful -- this winter I want to:

go ice skating.  Watch Elf, Miracle on 34th Street, It's a Wonderful Life, The Santa Clause, The Holiday and Love Actually one million times each (dang, holiday movies rule!). Say yes to life and yes to staying in more (see previous point).  Rock this random hat I bought at Target until it's cool because my head will be cold.  Take a touristy pic in front of the tree at Rockefeller Center.  Live by the motto that "'tis the season to make cookies".  Create a long-overdue choreographed dance to this holiday classic. Go skiing WITHOUT having to be rescued by the patrol team.  Wear ugly/awesome Christmas sweaters in a room with my friends who are also wearing ugly/awesome Christmas sweaters. Get some seasonal nail color goin' on.  Write my friends some holiday love letters.  Take over the sledding hill behind the WARF and act like I'm in high school (see pic above).  Find Sufjan and convince him to do a sing-along with me. Say "Happy Christmas!" instead of "Merry Christmas!" because that is what Harry Potter does and so that is what is cool. ZOO LIGHTS! Enjoy snuggle time in my snuggie by the fire without shame. Lay on my back with my head under the Christmas tree (if you haven't done it - try. total magic). Be really grateful that Jesus was born. Celebrate my one year workiversary. Lay out my stockings with care.  Watch my BFF get murrrried! Spend New Years with my besties in DC.

about after the fire

Do you ever have those moments where you read something and it just makes your soul hush?

There is this bit about Elijah in 1 Kings 19 that is just so darn lovely.  It is pouring out its stillness all over my heart.

Then He said, "Go out, and stand on the mountain before the LORD." And behold, the LORD passed by, and a great and strong wind tore into the mountains and broke the rocks in pieces before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake; and after the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire; and after the fire a still small voice.

If you were to ask me for some adjectives to describe God I think the first few words out of my mouth would be "mighty, powerful, all-knowing, strong..." It would be words that, to me, describe God's glory, something I tend to think has to be loud and obvious.  

John Piper wrote a poem about Elijah and my favorite stanza reads "And then a bolt of lightning hit/ The cliff beside the cave and split /The mountain like a blade would cleave/A melon rind and then bereave/ Ten thousand hearts. Come look and see/ Is this the sum of majesty?/ What is the God of glory like/ He was not present in the strike."

Those words remind of what is true and of what I forget -- that God finds his glory both in the loud, stormy moments of my life but also in the still and ordinary parts.

In his encounter with Elijah, God's glory is not some sort of "showing off" through his great power over the elements.  What is magical and special is his stillness.  It's as if he is saying "See this? All this power I have over the earth? That is NOTHING compared to the glory I receive in being with you always, in being your God in each and every moment."  

I really don't want to cheat God out of his "sum of majesty", as Piper puts it.  Because if I think his glory will only present itself in thunder and lightning, I am missing his greatest delight -- the moments when I am so still that his voice rings in me and calls me to life.  

about how all the cool people are on Team Peeta

Folks, I hope you've pre-purchased your movie tickets because Hunger Games: Chasing Fire comes out ONE WEEK FROM MIDNIGHT TONIGHT!!!

Not that I'm excited.

I thought that now, as we get down to the last crucial moments before the premiere, I should take a minute just to put this silly "Team Peeta vs Team Gale" thing to bed. Because obviously, Peeta takes the cake (literally, because he's a baker! get it?) and is SO so so much better than Gale.

Here are just some brief bullet points, if you even feel you need convincing. (PS. spoiler alert!)

• Peeta fully understands Katniss' hardships - Peeta experiences the games alongside Katniss, putting him in the perfect position to know, understand, and love Katniss as she struggles in a dangerous and changing world.  
• Peeta bakes - Free bread for life, yo. 
• Peeta relies on his smarts, not his muscles - From the start Peeta proves successful because of how he thinks through situations.  Gale, on the other hand, tends to be impulsive and typically relies on his strength instead of his mind. 
• Peeta is the perfect balance to Katniss - We all know that opposites attract. And Gale and Katniss are WAY too similar.  Where Katniss fails in expressing her feelings, Peeta rushes in with compassion and is never timid to declare his emotions. Super hawt.  
• Peeta is an artist - Again, super hawt. 
• Peeta WINS - people, let us not forget.  KATNISS ENDS UP WITH PEETA.  Check and mate. (and literally, they mate) 

And there you have it - Team P 4 lyfe.

Happy Hunger Games -- and may the odds be ever in your favor!

about a good playlist

If I could make weird things that aren't official love languages into love languages (like cookie baking, speaking in strange accents, telling a good joke, etc.) then I would certainly add "sharing a good playlist" to that category.

I don't really know why I stopped doing it often, but back in high school we would trade mix CDs like notes.  I still have so so many scattered in my car and in my closet and sometimes I find them and pop them in and remember how loved I felt when I received it.  My friends and I spent hours just listening to our new favorite bands, sharing new songs we knew someone in particular would love, making playlists for every situation in life.  Music filled in so many of our memories.  We connected through music and we encouraged each other through music and we grew up with it taking us to new places and thoughts and feelings.

Sharing music you love with someone you love is such a sweet and intimate thing.  Music is magical. It shapes us and it's personal and it means something significant to our individual lives -- and when we get to experience it together, it's special.

And so, dear friends who read this little blog, in the spirit of sharing with you all what's in my ears and humming through my heart, below are a few songs I think you will enjoy.  This is a mini-playlist of covers -- I've always been into covers, but especially so lately.  Don't really know why.  I think they are lovely.  I envy the creativity of artists to take something that exists and make it uniquely theirs.  I like the way new lyrics stick out to me and how the shift in tune or instrument brings out such different meaning.

And, you know, if you were to share the songs you're into lately, I really wouldn't mind at all ;)  In fact, it'd make me feel warm and cozy, sort of like you were speaking my language.

BROOKE FRASER - You Can Close Your Eyes (James Taylor cover) 

KINA GRANNIS - Use Somebody (Kings of Leon cover) 


ELLIE GOULDING - Your Song (Elton John cover) 

BEN TAYLOR - I Try (Macy Gray cover) 


ANGUS & JULIA STONE - You're the One that I Want (Grease cover) 

all about lists

Hey blog friends.
It's Thursday and Thursday feels like a pretty great day to make a list.  Plus, all the cool blogs are doing it so I thought I would too!

1) Which Downton character are you? I got Matthew.  Feelin' pretty cool about myself.
2) Speaking of your Myers-Briggs type, this says personality type can determine your paycheck.  (and I have the personality that literally makes the least...)
3) It is grilled cheese season and to celebrate I've already had it for dinner three times this week
4) Speaking of cheese, who doesn't love night cheese, Liz Lemon references, and crazy dreams?
5) My two favorite pop-music guilty pleasures have birthed a song.  If you need me I'll be dancing in the kitchen.
6) This essay by David Sedaris is dark and light, sad and happy, beautiful and beautiful.
7) Dear coat, I need your arms around me.
8) Desperately want this chair for the office.
9) Who Hemingway thought were the best people.  
10) Would it be weird if I got a tiger costume and did this same thing?
11) That pic is the little peek of city-sunset I got during my jog yesterday. Taken right before I fell on my face at a crowded intersection, started bleeding, and cracked my iPhone because it was not meant to be smashed into concrete .

about going back there again

I get lost sometimes. 

And by "sometimes" I mean "alotofthetimes". 

Twice in the last month I've gotten stuck out in Northern Virginia past the time I-66 turns into crazy-psycho-land and on my way back home into the city I've tried to take a different route.  And both times, in a way that only I could manage, I have ended up driving through Seven Corners, aka Seven Times Worse Than Hell. 

Seven Corners is this mess of converging roads that is always crowded and ugly and horribly confusing to drive through and it makes me want to pull all of my hair out or ram my car full force into a stop sign. I have screamed at the top of my lungs in my car while driving there. (really).  I say words that could only be expressed in symbols and punctuation signs.  I lose my cool.  Because, seriously-  it is the WORST.  It is worse than the worst.  And I hate going there.  

But somehow, twice in the past month, there I've been.  I simply couldn't avoid it. 

It's funny - because sometimes I feel like my life is full of Seven Corners and back I find myself in the same place, upset about the same issue or worrying about the same things I've always worried about or learning something I thought I'd already mastered.  I find myself going back there, to the places I wanted to be done and over with spiritually and emotionally -- and that is hard sometimes.  With that "sometimes" really being "allthetimes".  

Have you ever felt that? Like you just want to yell up to the sky "HEY GOD. We've been here already...did you forget or something??" 

And of course, He didn't.  I'm learning, during those moments when I want to bang my head against the steering wheel or find myself uttering all too familiar words in my prayers, that I will be led by the Lord to the same places until He is satisfied by what I've gained from going there. 

One of my favorite verses in the bible is Philippians 1:6.  It says "...he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion."  To put it another way -- God is not into half-way helping you.  He is not into bringing you only partly into righteousness.  He is about perfection.  He is about grabbing your hand (even a hand that is attached to a stubborn, screaming body in the middle of a temper tantrum) and leading you right back into your pain or your fears or your insecurities because in that place He is making you new.   

I'm trying, even though it's tough, to follow His call to go back there again.  Even when I think that I've learned how to be forgiving enough, or am unwilling to reopen another lie about myself that I've settled on believing, or thought I've loved someone adequately enough not to return to the difficulty of doing it again.  

There are just so many places to go in this universe, so many places we can run away to, forgetting the difficult paths we walked on before.  But there is no where we can go that is better than where He leads. Even if He leads us backwards.

about how grown-up life kicks butt

in the past week and a half of life I have: 

spent a weekend by the bay laughing and playing fish bowl and having meaningful conversation with some of the most wonderful people on the planet.  Spotted a Matt Damon lookalike at a German BBQ restaurant in the city.  Learned about how brokenness leads to worship with my community group and really felt how it was true.  Enjoyed three fall dinner parties in warm homes with good friends.  Tried not to get killed during nerf gun wars in my office.  Wore an eyepatch fashioned out of stickers and headphones for an entire day of work (unrelated to the nerf gun war). Filled my basement with folks to sing worship songs and lift prayers. Told ghost stories and ate s'mores with nutella around a bonfire. Worked on an urban farm on a gorgeous fall Saturday morning. Danced with three-year-olds screaming "MY GOD IS BIG, SO STRONG AND SO MIGHTY!"  Feasted on a brunch fit for the gods with some good company.  Had dear pals from Greene county over for dinner.  Been thankful for so much goodness if feels like I'm overflowing.

about the earth and the seasons

written after gardening with the Neighborhood Farm Initiative 

Winter-ready

We tear up the basil and thyme
From their soil homes

And leave holes that catch cold like breath.

After this our handfuls
Of crop-cover seeds spill

From our fingers
As we tuck-in the earth.

Everything here is dead or dying
as it gets winter-ready

Putting itself to bed
With ubiquitous oranges and the scent

Of mums in chilled air.
It will wait more than just one season

To fill with life again;
It will count losses for a few months

And with little prayers
I wish it luck -

Lonely and dark dreams
That will burst one day

With a new joy and light.

about Middle School Emily

Dear readers,
I'd like to introduce you to someone,  Her name is Middle School Emily.
She existed about 10 years ago and boy, she was a character.

Here are a few fun facts you may be interested in knowing:
Middle School Emily enjoyed:

1) Lip gloss. As much as she could get her hands on.  In fact, she made one of her best friends while bonding over the different lip glosses in their purses during 7th grade homeroom.  They are still best friends to this day, but luckily no longer only discuss which shade of glittery lip smackers is sexiest.

2) Screaming at her mother every morning that she had nothing to wear.  Middle School Emily was in a constant battle with her wardrobe; nothing seemed cool enough or short enough or American Eagle enough to be seen strutting down the hallways of Warrenton Middle.

3) Being a class-A b-word.  But for real.  No one ever believes this when Current Day Emily says it, but it's true. Middle School Emily did really kind things like creating a seating chart for her table in the cafeteria so as to avoid sitting with anyone who may put a damper on her super popular Middle School persona. I mean, who you associate with in Middle School totally makes or breaks your future.

4) AIM relationships.  Flirting on her AOL screen-name (lipglossluv4u or leocrazy47, created after she saw Titanic of course) was her day job.  She would print out all her convos with boys, share them with her friends, analyze every romantic emoticon usage, and never talk to said boy in real life.

5) Celebrities.  Middle School Emily had a ziploc bag full of cutout photos from magazines of all the current hotties - Orlando Bloom, Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp, Leonardo Dicaprio, etc. etc.  Current Day Emily is still perplexed by what purpose those cutouts served, but if at any point there was an emergency in which someone needed a picture collection of all the biggest teen heartthrobs in order to save the planet, Middle School Emily would have become a legend.

6) Nicknames.  MSE and her friends had a nickname for everything.  For themselves, (Ilro was her's which is"Orli" backwards, short for Orlando Bloom of course), for boys they liked (one of her crushes was nicknamed "Golfbag" and Current Day Emily has no recollection of why), and for their teachers.  This was mostly so they could talk about everyone behind their backs without anyone being able to tell who the gossip was directed at.  MSE enjoyed being both sly and a poop face.

7) Movie marathons.  Almost every weekend MSE and her friends would terrorize one of their parent's homes with a sleepover that consisted of hours of girly squeals, prank calling boys, and watching the same movies over and over again.  They watched movies like Lord of the Rings, not because it is arguably the best story ever written, but because Orlando Bloom was in it and he was hot.  They were endlessly holding intellectual discussions over which Brad Pitt they preferred - Legends of the Fall Brad Pitt, Meet Joe Black Brad Pitt, or Troy Brad Pitt.  To this day there has been no conclusive winner.


8) Writing notes.  MSE and her friends created the infamous "Note Notebook"  in which they discussed all the urgent matters of the day - where "Tibbar" was going to make-out with her boyfriend for the first time, why getting an "A" in Spanish was so difficult, and how they should divide their summer vacation between tanning and shopping.  To read some of the tantalizing details, take a peek below.

*Current Day Emily would like to make the disclaimer that she should no longer be held responsible for the actions/words of MSE because MSE was an idiot.

The Note Notebook included cute outfits -- it was always necessary to know the brand, duh! 

Counting down until one of the most important events of our lives, Space Camp! 

"I'm out like the phrase bling bling!" 

No NN would be complete without a quiz of what type of guy you're best suited for.  How else would you know if Seventeen Magazine didn't tell you?!

Another important question.  

"..I turned on the T.V. and this talk show was on, and the girl was like "no guy has ever been interested in me my whole life".  I mean, sure it was because she had no legs or arms, but it was so sad!!" 

NN gave us great pictures to pay attention to instead of class. 

The sidenote says "It's hard to believe he is in his 40's!" #middleschoolcreeps

Tampon personality quizzes.  

Keeping our "Hot Guys List" always accurate and timely. 

OMG which are your fave? 

We figured that NN wasn't obnoxious enough so we had to write our notes in neon colors that make your eyes bleed.  (Also  - "OMG! I actually have an official crush right now! It's Golfbag! He's so perfect, I mean I can't stop thinking about him!" 

*sigh* H-O-T-T!

about FALL, y'all!

What a GREAT summer this has been! I loved spending these warm months in the city accomplishing almost all of the things on my summer bucket list.  And even though I'm a tiny bit sad to see the season change, mostly I'm just excited for Fall to come!  It is hands down my very favorite season and there is a lot to look forward to, including but not limited to: 

Enjoying the leaves changing in my new favorite happy place.  Stereo-typically spending too much of my paycheck on PSL's.  Sweater weather! Brightly colored tights weather!  Scarf weather! Going on a ghost tour. Or two.  Having bonfires.  Eating s'mores until I explode. Tromping around in my comfy, scuffed up brown boots. Filling up on gratitude and comfort food.  (and of course waking up to catch the parade). Trying to forget that this song exists (while at the same time still saying "givin' thanks y'all!" like it's my day job). Finding a massive pile of leaves to jump in. Having friends over for good convos over cider. Watching the best seasonally appropriate movies. Shoving my face with handfuls of candy corn and realizing I'll never learn my lesson. Taking a hayride.  Picking apples and eating donuts in the sweetest city.  YAR-ing it up.  Watching football (just kidding, sports are dumb). Attempting a homemade Halloween costume.  Finding seasonally appropriate poem inspiration. Enjoying the general calm before the winter holiday storm.  

about going

I vividly remember what it was like driving to college on move-in day.

I was in the backseat of my parents' car feeling like I could either hysterically sob and/or projectile vomit everywhere.

Getting accepted into college was exciting.  But leaving and actually GOING to college? Not so much. Abandoning my high school and my friends and my town and my family felt like the scariest and most uncomfortable thing I could do.  I sat in the backseat and prayed that somehow I'd wake up in my old bed, like everything had just been a dream, that I wasn't driving at what felt like lightning speed toward the biggest transition of my life to date.

I made my dad stop every two seconds for a "bathroom break" or insisted that I needed coffee from every fast food place we drove by that served it. Despite my best efforts, we eventually made it to school and that night I wept (silently, not wanting my new roomie to think I was too much of a freak) in bed for hours.

I'm thinking about this because I recently read through the book of Jonah.  I love how the story is not only magical but relatable.  The Lord calls Jonah to go to Nineveh, and he is so full of fear that he flees and jumps on a ship to get as far away from there as he can.

Here is a truth about me -- when I feel like I'm being asked to go someplace new, or asked to go emotionally or spiritually into an area of forgiveness or grace, usually I would really rather not.

But a truth about God is this -- He will ask you to go someplace you may not choose to be, and it will be hard.  But it will also be beautiful.

It is astonishing to me how persistent the Lord is with Jonah - that He doesn't even stop short of carrying him via whale stomach to the place He knew he should be - how unbelievable is that?  And it both scares me and encourages me that there is nothing I can do to avoid arriving on the exact right shore at exactly the right time.  

When Jonah finally arrives in Nineveh his purposes there are carried out and the result is miraculous. The people repent and they begin to live life to the full.  And reading that story reminds me of those times when I have gone - or rather, been carried - to places I refused to go because my imagination simply wouldn't stretch to picture the blessings there.  

Maybe traveling to that place doesn't feel beautiful in the moment, and maybe your legs will be wobbly and your voice shaky, but one day you will be glad you went there because you were called and that call fulfilled itself in the course of your life. 

One day you will look back on the city you studied in for four years of your life and be surprised that you resisted it once.  Or you will remember a conversation that took the most courage you've ever possessed and how gorgeous it eventually became. 

And sometimes you must go more than once, to that hard place of forgiveness, or of grace.  You will be called there again and again because the goal of going is Perfection, not just Improvement.  And you will learn as you go often that you are not alone, and the comfort of that makes the going all that more powerful and all the more sweet.  

about kids

One of the greatest joys of my life to date has been getting to know, encourage, support and love vulnerable children in Nicaragua.  They have taught me so much and they have made me laugh from the root of my soul so many times I've lost track.  (just spy that little handsome Justin Bieber impersonator above -- I lost it that day)  

Today I was praying for them, thinking of my tiny amigos who feel so far away sometimes.  I was thinking of what a deep and gorgeous gift kids are, how they allow us to dream about the future and give us rest from the small details of worry that come so often with age. 

I was thinking of how blessed I might get to be one day, if I ever get to be a mother myself.  I thought of how magical it must be to see everything again for the first time through the eyes of your child, how endearing to explain to them small things like spelling their name, how fun to have little dance parties in the kitchen while you cook them pancakes into shapes that make them laugh.  

And I thought too of how awesome it is, this responsibility we have as families and communities to raise children, because it mirrors so much the nurturing process going on in our souls.  It reveals to us just how deep and wide and long and high our Father's love for us is.  We get a taste of the fierceness and the loyalty of that love in how we love children, and I think (and hear) that you must come to this beautiful new understanding of love once you have a child of your own.  

I love that the Lord knits into the fabric of our earthly existence these opportunities that teach us about the way He feels for us.  As we build our own families, as we get married and share our lives with friends and love other people we are made beautiful because we are made more like Jesus.  We come closer and closer to understanding the depth with which we are valued and known.  I love the pattern of that.  I love the hope and all the future joy those dreams bring into my life even now.  

about hugging anxiety

Because we already live in a world where we have to be afraid of zombie apocalypses and robots taking over our brains I thought - why not add hugging to the list?

Maybe I am the only one on earth who feels this way (am I? Now I'm self-conscious about this), but sometimes I get anxiety about hugging people.

Physical touch is definitely one of my love languages and I adore a good hug just as much as the next person - but there are just so many things that can go wrong with a hug, you know? And if you didn't know, let me just stoke your fear with my handy phobia-o-matic list below:

1) The Hug-or-Shake Situation: 
I can't take credit for the phrasing - my roommate came up with it.  But this is a constant concern before I go in for a hug with someone who is in Questionable Hug Territory.  Should I go in with my arms outstretched?  Should I stand back a bit and extend my hand?  What if I hug them and they think I'm being too forward?  What if I don't hug them and they think I'm being too cold? Am I over thinking this situation? Impossible.

2) The I-Chose-Hug-You-Chose-Handshake Situation: 
There is this one guy who I only see like twice a year but I find myself in this unfortunate situation with him EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.  I see him and I think "ok, great! We're TOTALLY good friends.  We've definitely got Hug Zone going on for us here."  And in I go for the embrace and without fail out goes his hand for the handshake.  I end up awkwardly leaning against his body trying to T-Rex as much of my hand out as I can so it looks like I picked handshake too but just happened to move myself a little close to him totally on accident and not on purpose.

3) The I-Wish-This-Hug-Was-Happening-After-My-Shower Situation: 
You know those days when you go on a run or to the gym and you're like "I'll just shower in a little bit"? And then you decide to take your unshowered self to the bank or grocery store, certain that out of all the people living in your city certainly you will not run into anyone you know, or at least anyone in Hug Territory.  And then the stars align and right in the dairy section is the head cheerleader from your high school who acted nice to you in school but never invited you to any of her house parties and she's squealing as she recognizes you and in horror you realize The Hug is coming - in slow motion her arms are extending toward you and you say "no, no actually I'm a little sweaty ha ha" and she just smiles and says "oh no, it's fine" and embraces your disgusting smelly unclean self.
Welcome, my body is a Sweatland.

4) The Up-or-Down Situation: 
I like to call my hugging method The Shovel.  I always put my hands out first so I will be the underneath hugger and the other person has to put their arms on top.  I think it makes me feel less vulnerable to attack.
But when I'm not on my A-game sometimes the other person shoots their arms out like torpedoes and THEY choose underneath and flashing red lights go off in my head and it sounds like ERRRR ERRRR ERRRR in there.  I never recover in time.  One arm goes up, the other goes down, our hands collide in mid-air, I'm apologizing all over the place - it's a hot mess.

5) The I'm-Sitting-You're-Standing-Or-Vice-Versa-Situation: 
Sometimes a friend catches you at dinner or sitting down at a desk or couch of some sort and you both think it's a great idea to hug without one of you getting up or the other one sitting down.  Beware, readers - this is NOT a great idea.  Somehow your head or the other person's head will end up in a stomach or some other unwelcome area.  Always even your playing field - always.

6) The-"I'll Never Let Go Jack" Situation: 
Sometimes you hug and hold on a bit too long.  Awkwardness ensues.

7) The Accidental-Smooch Situation: 
If you happen to be hugging Leonardo Dicaprio on the reg, this really isn't an issue.  If you aren't, things can get bad real quick.  All the advice I can offer is commit to a side and pray.

about cynicism and hope

Soon after I got to Nicaragua last week a thought came into my head that surprised me.  The thought was: "this is too big."

There is too much poverty, there have been too many failed attempts to fix it, there are too many imperfect systems, people are too selfish....it's all just too big.  The thought came in a voice that alarmed me, that shook my shoulders and rattled me up.  It was the voice of cynicism, and came from within me and it made me afraid. 

In the instant that this little sentence echoed inside of me I realized how fragile hope is.  I realized how poor a job I have done of fighting for it , of defending it within myself over the past year.  It is the type of thing you have to stand up for.  

As I started having these thoughts and was struggling with this new spirit of cynicism inside myself, I got to know a group of tender-hearted Minnesotans.  There were twenty of them on the mission trip I was helping to lead and they came to Nicaragua with an abundance of light.  Their hope glimmered and shone everywhere they went.   

I watched them encounter  darkness and poverty with eyes of love.  I watched them smile inside the most overwhelmingly poor places with tears on their faces, dreaming of what could become there and pulling out the good that already existed.  I listened as they poured out their hurt and pain, as they acknowledged their brokenness, as they pleaded with Jesus to come and be among them.  

Many moments I just watched them in awe, so challenged and so encouraged by the hope they made the conclusion of their stories.  It is not easy to do that. 

I've been thinking about how when things in this world make me sad or weary I construct this little cave inside myself and I go there to stay.  It is built by all my heartbreaks and disappointments.  The darkness of it feels familiar, and it feels safe.  And the more time I spend there the more and more I distrust the light just beyond the door of this cave, just beyond the pain.  I stop believing it could help me.  I start remembering how foolish it has made me feel, how it has burned me, and how scary it would be to go out and live in it again.  

I sit in this cave and cynicism wraps its fingers all around me.  

But how sad and lonely is that place? I'm learning again, slowly, the depths of joy and the greatness of hope.  I am learning how to peer alongside the edge of what bears me down and to trust that it is good. 

Living a life of hope is not living an easy life, and I don't think I knew that until now.  It is far scarier and more courageous than living in a cave of your own bitterness. You are asked to trust, you are asked to be a fool, you are asked not to give up and to dream the craziest things imaginable for this world and for other people.  

Our hopes will not play out as we want them to, and that is a very hard and heartbreaking thing.  But the way our hopes construct us and bring us joy - what ultimately comes from living in a place of light even when it is tempting to stay in the dark - that is the true reward.  I do not know what that will look like, and I think that every day it will be a little scary for me to leave the cave and to walk in this world with my eyes open and my heart expectant.   But I will keep trying to go, until I recognize that old voice inside myself that believes there is nothing too large for hope to swallow.  

about Virginia

I love this state.  I love love love it.
Sometimes I dream about running away to Italy or Iceland or Africa and doing something exotic and unique for awhile. And maybe someday I will.  But this past weekend I was just so content to live in Virginia - to drive a little circle around my homestate and to be within such close access of so many people I love.  It was the best. It was the best to be with them and to enjoy the big and small moments of their lives being all together.  There is such richness to that.

My little Tour De Virginia loop took me some super cool places. I celebrated my little cousin's birthday with family. I played tug-of-war and did a three-legged-race and a ballon toss at a work picnic. I went on my first mini geocaching adventure.  I laughed and celebrated with some of my favorite people ever as two of our dear friends got engaged.  I drank a mojito and giggled my face off with three of my best gal pals in the Richmond fan.  I visited the church I went to in college. I ate my favorite lunch bagel from Bodo's.  I went to a shower for my so-soon-to-be-married sweet friend Hannah. I drank wine while enjoying the gorgeous mountains.  I drove through the hilly back roads of Greene county where I once led Young Life and prayed blessings all over that land. I filled my belly with mom's home-cooked food and a Carousel peanut butter milkshake on Sunday evening.

Oh Virginia, you are so beautiful you make my heart stop.  And to belong to you makes me so very grateful.

ps. I almost forgot to say - another great part of this weekend was listening to Lord Huron's "Lonesome Dreams" album at least three times through.  It's perfect for all your ethereal daydreams, for getting lost in romance, for when you need to close your eyes and take a few deep breaths, etc. etc.  Whatever you need, this album's got your back. "In the Wind" is one of my favorites: