about hugging anxiety

Because we already live in a world where we have to be afraid of zombie apocalypses and robots taking over our brains I thought - why not add hugging to the list?

Maybe I am the only one on earth who feels this way (am I? Now I'm self-conscious about this), but sometimes I get anxiety about hugging people.

Physical touch is definitely one of my love languages and I adore a good hug just as much as the next person - but there are just so many things that can go wrong with a hug, you know? And if you didn't know, let me just stoke your fear with my handy phobia-o-matic list below:

1) The Hug-or-Shake Situation: 
I can't take credit for the phrasing - my roommate came up with it.  But this is a constant concern before I go in for a hug with someone who is in Questionable Hug Territory.  Should I go in with my arms outstretched?  Should I stand back a bit and extend my hand?  What if I hug them and they think I'm being too forward?  What if I don't hug them and they think I'm being too cold? Am I over thinking this situation? Impossible.

2) The I-Chose-Hug-You-Chose-Handshake Situation: 
There is this one guy who I only see like twice a year but I find myself in this unfortunate situation with him EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.  I see him and I think "ok, great! We're TOTALLY good friends.  We've definitely got Hug Zone going on for us here."  And in I go for the embrace and without fail out goes his hand for the handshake.  I end up awkwardly leaning against his body trying to T-Rex as much of my hand out as I can so it looks like I picked handshake too but just happened to move myself a little close to him totally on accident and not on purpose.

3) The I-Wish-This-Hug-Was-Happening-After-My-Shower Situation: 
You know those days when you go on a run or to the gym and you're like "I'll just shower in a little bit"? And then you decide to take your unshowered self to the bank or grocery store, certain that out of all the people living in your city certainly you will not run into anyone you know, or at least anyone in Hug Territory.  And then the stars align and right in the dairy section is the head cheerleader from your high school who acted nice to you in school but never invited you to any of her house parties and she's squealing as she recognizes you and in horror you realize The Hug is coming - in slow motion her arms are extending toward you and you say "no, no actually I'm a little sweaty ha ha" and she just smiles and says "oh no, it's fine" and embraces your disgusting smelly unclean self.
Welcome, my body is a Sweatland.

4) The Up-or-Down Situation: 
I like to call my hugging method The Shovel.  I always put my hands out first so I will be the underneath hugger and the other person has to put their arms on top.  I think it makes me feel less vulnerable to attack.
But when I'm not on my A-game sometimes the other person shoots their arms out like torpedoes and THEY choose underneath and flashing red lights go off in my head and it sounds like ERRRR ERRRR ERRRR in there.  I never recover in time.  One arm goes up, the other goes down, our hands collide in mid-air, I'm apologizing all over the place - it's a hot mess.

5) The I'm-Sitting-You're-Standing-Or-Vice-Versa-Situation: 
Sometimes a friend catches you at dinner or sitting down at a desk or couch of some sort and you both think it's a great idea to hug without one of you getting up or the other one sitting down.  Beware, readers - this is NOT a great idea.  Somehow your head or the other person's head will end up in a stomach or some other unwelcome area.  Always even your playing field - always.

6) The-"I'll Never Let Go Jack" Situation: 
Sometimes you hug and hold on a bit too long.  Awkwardness ensues.

7) The Accidental-Smooch Situation: 
If you happen to be hugging Leonardo Dicaprio on the reg, this really isn't an issue.  If you aren't, things can get bad real quick.  All the advice I can offer is commit to a side and pray.