some thoughts on being asked to wait

This is something I do not like to do. 

Not for new opportunities. Not for friends running behind schedule. Not for the next season of Downton Abbey.  Not for anything, really. 

But for the past year, this has been the pattern of my life:  waiting for doors to open, to find clarity about a career or grad school, waiting to feel like I have a direction or a purpose behind where I’m headed.  One year ago I graduated from college.  And every moment since then has felt like some sort of breathless anticipation, waiting for the next thing that would “determine the rest of my life”.  It has been 365 days nearly, and this year old anticipation some days turns to despair. 

Some days I want to tell God that I hate this – this waiting.  Some days I want to ask Him why he just isn’t showing up how I’d like Him to.  Some days I don’t like Him very much, for asking me to be patient.  For asking me to wake up every morning without direction and to do what’s prepared for me in that day, and then to wake up and do it again. 

But I do it.  In my season of waiting, I live.  I anticipate.  And I pray with the force of heaven against bitterness, against the lie that in my waiting I am abandoned, and that in my waiting God is withholding any good thing from me. 

Waiting, the Lord is telling me, is the best He has for me now.  And so I pray not to hate it. 

Appropriately, I think, these reflections come to me in the season of Advent.  Because this is a season where we remember that we will never stop waiting as long as we live on this earth.  There is never a point where we should abandon our breathless longing for heaven, for redemption, for Jesus to come and be among us.  Because everyday we will need him more.  And everyday we will wake up, live our lives, and go about the work of being human all in the middle of waiting for our savior to arrive.  We do this knowing that he will show up.  And then He will.  He does.  And the next morning we begin our anticipation again, once more needy, once more broken and earnest for Him. 

Jesus knew what it was to wait.  To hang in agonizing pain and to call out to a father who would not answer him immediately.  This waiting – it was the most beautiful thing.  It was the most good, and it was the most difficult. 

Perhaps every single day, we are asked to wait on small things.  On a new job.  On a desire or a wish.  But we are foolish to think that we wait because we are unloved.  Even as we wait in a broken world and we hurt for the things we just want here and now, we are being prepared for what is going to be our ultimate good. We are asked to long for a day when death falls away, when sorrow is no more, when God’s promises to bring us to completion are made true.  We are asked to wait trusting that He has our best interests at heart.  Because He loves us. 

about poetry-related things, don't hate me

1) WHY DID I NOT THINK OF THIS FIRST?? - haikus are totally my thing.  once I facebook-wall-bombed all my friends with haikus (better known as the FFH...Facebook Friend Haiku. maybe you've heard of it).  They were just silly expressions of love in 5-7-5 form and maybe I'll do them again sometime because they were weird and probably annoyed everyone.  Also, for a project in a summer class last year I created a series of haikus that were rearrangements of phrases from Emily Dickinson poems.  But THIS is genius.  Someone put parts of the bible in Haiku form. And for some dumb reason it wasn't me. props, dude. major props.

2) WHY DOES THIS POEM MAKE ME FEEL LIKE WATCHING ROM-COMS?? - Once my dear friend Caroline and I were writing and drinking coffee in Crozet and it was National Poem in Your Pocket Day (coffee, friends, poetry, Crozet...I think my mind was probably exploding with awesomeness) and so when we got our coffee we were also given little poems to slip in our pockets and keep! Mine was Dancing Toward Bethlehem by Billy Collins and when I read it I exploded into girly swoon-tastic squeals because it is just. so. darn. romantic.  Dare you to read that and tell me you don't want to snuggle up and watch Titanic and eat chocolates.  Dare you.

3) WHY IS D.C. SO AWESOME?? - Dear D.C., thank you for doing things like creating poetry exhibits such as this one at the National Portrait Gallery so I can go and join herds of fellow poetry dorks and stand in front of photos of Walt Whitman and get teary-eyed in public because he was the first poet I ever studied or ever loved and on the wall next to him is a poem that's just so beautiful and oh gosh people can see me WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME, it's ok, everyone else here loves this stuff too OH LET'S ALL HUG AND RECITE OUR FAVORITE VERSES! (exhibit up until April of next year.  you can go and it doesn't have to be quite so dramatic).

about thankfulness

I am thankful for Thanksgiving. 

For bananagram matches. 

For bonfires that keep you warm & the friends who sit around them. 

For coffee from diner mugs. 

For pie. 

For surprise party hopes. 

For strange Sufjan beautifulness. 

For ornaments that scream WAHOOWA. 

For dogs who play dress-up. 

For family. For people I love.  

that is more than three things...but I'm just that thankful.  

ps. props to birthday gal Zoella for that bonfire pic :) 

about metro etiquette

1) when boys are nice, it's nice -- a few days ago, a young gentleman on my train let the older woman who got on have his seat.  These sort of small actions make me believe that chivalry is not dead.  They give me a little glimmer of hope when most days there are only teenage boys who wear their pants too low and try to do flips or something on the pole in the metro car and listen to music too loudly through head phones that are around their necks (which is not your head, nor where your ears are) and sprawl out over like three seats when meanwhile there are little old grandma's (or twenty-something ladies who have difficulty balancing in heels...) forced to cling for dear life as the train jerks back and forth like a mechanical bull at a Texas rodeo.  not nice, boys. not nice.

2) when you have a cold, it's bad -- As the season gets colder my nose is getting progressively stuffier.  Meaning I'm becoming something gross and deplorable: a mouth breather. A few days ago, as a crowded metro car  left us packed on top of each other like sardines, I found myself (without anything I could do to change the situation, except hold my breath or suffocate maybe) breathing down the back of some stranger's neck.  Seriously. Like I was one of those gross pug dogs only their owners think are cute that you always see gasping for air.  Like I was reenacting a scene straight out of a horror movie.  Like Brainy breathing behind Helga then getting punched in the face-style.  You get the picture.

3) when there are seeing-eye dogs, it's difficult -- Many times when I've gotten on a train to leave work there has been the same kind blind man and his seeing-eye dog.  And it's hard, because when I see a dog, I want to pet it. It's an automatic, bodily reaction. I want to snuggle with it and go "dawww wooook at you, you're a dog! you're such a wittle cutie! (random dog noises)".  But I think that this is not appropriate with seeing-eye dogs. Or so I'm told.  So then this inner-dialogue goes off like "OH a dog! look at HIM! he is soo cute! I'm gonna pet him. Oh wait, I can't. He's a seeing-eye dog and he's working and you can't pet seeing-eye dogs when they are working...but his owner will never see me do it! No wait, that's horrible, Emily. you're actually a bad person....."  and so it's always a morally difficult dilemma. 

about being 22

1) you're an adult but you're not an adult: I shop for my own groceries.  But I still call my mom to ask how long leftover pasta keeps for.  I pay for my car insurance.  But I still get my dad to add more oil to my car.  I go to bed before 11 so that I can get up rested for work.  But I'm considering buying tickets to the Twilight midnight premiere next week.  I like the idea of being a sophisticated grown-up.  But I still refer to older people as "grown-ups".

2) you know what you want to do but you don't know what you want to do: When I graduated from college I was all, "OMG I'm going to study poetry and be an amazing professor and have tons of literary friends and this is my PASSION and I'm going to CHANGE THE FREAKING WORLD, Y'ALL! let's start writing my first collection I LOVE THE REAL WORLD!!!!!!" but then after about 12 minutes of that I was all "WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFEEEEEEE should I be a teacher? should I really go back to school right away? Am I bad at poetry? Am I good at it? What does it mean to be bad or good at poetry? Ok, I'm going to intern. Ok , should I go to school for something different?  Maybe I should work for a nonprofit.  Maybe I should write a book.  Maybe I should go teach English in Korea (kidding, mom).  THE REAL WORLD SUCKS. HELP!" and cry in the middle of the day, think I'm always going to be a purposeless, floating 22-year-old, panic, etc. etc., repeat.

3) you're wise but you're stupid too: I managed to make my way through college at a good university.  I have travelled by myself in new places and not gotten lost.  I can live on my own for long periods of time without the police showing up in response to a prank 911 call (been there, done that) or burning the house down (my list of things to NOT put in the microwave has grown extensively from experience).  But let's be real - I'm still an idiot, you guys.  There is always that tension when you are a 22-year-old to alternate between thinking you've really accomplished a lot in life and lived through things and then feeling like you know nothing about the world.  I have no idea how people do the real-world things I could experience in the next phase of life such as: build a career, have a family, find a purpose in life, pay taxes, etc.  Good thing I'm not alone in this, right T.Swift??

about a poem: The Day After the Election, Washington, D.C.

1) This is a poem I wrote about the season ending and how the timing of seasons sometimes works into what we are learning to be true about our own nature.  God is pretty cool with how he can reflect what's true about our interior worlds in what is true about our exterior ones.

2) I started this while taking a walk on my lunch break.  Wendell Berry talked about writing poems on his walks and because this is something I love doing too it makes me feel a special kindred connection to him. And that sort of makes me happy.

3) Instead of typing out the text I thought I'd record it so you can listen.  Poetry isn't read out loud enough anymore in my opinion. And sometimes I dream about sitting in a little cozy room with my friends and we're all holding hot beverages and we go around reading our favorite words out to one another and they fill up the space and hang there lovingly. Thank you in advance for indulging me in that little fantasy.
(oh, click right here to listen)

about being alone

1) it's an introvert's dream - duh. but really though, this capital "I" would spontaneously explode without it.  There is something so lovely about removing yourself from the world for a little bit and being alone. Last week before Sandy made her way into the area I escaped the city and drove to C&O canal and pretended that I was the only one alive in the whole world.  I ran along the pebble-y path by the water without an iPod  just the sound of the leaves crunching, my breath, water flowing, animals scuttling.  It made my whole body feel like it was healing itself, or charging up like a battery.

2) it can be luxurious - I find that when I'm alone I do the most relaxing things.  A few Friday's ago when I didn't have work I took myself to the movies (this has been on my bucket list since forever and it was a DREAM - comfy reclining chairs and no one in the theater...since it was 1 in the afternoon) and saw this movie (which was divine).  Often I'll skip over to a museum after work on my own, or go grab frozen yogurt just because I want to, and once on a solo road trip from NC to VA I even stopped for pecan pancakes at Cracker Barrel all on my lonesome (with much sympathy  from my waitress, whom I had to convince that I wasn't a pathetic loser). Something about going out into the world by myself spurs a sense of confidence in me; it makes me realize that I am smart enough to navigate, explore, and have fun without relying on so many inputs from everyone around me.

3) it can teach you about other people - What I've found is that often when I intend to spend time discovering my own internal world, I discover the internal worlds of other people.  This summer I spent a week alone in Granada, Nicaragua taking Spanish classes.  I'd never traveled somewhere for a whole week by myself and I thought that I would covet the extended introvert-time.  But actually, on day two, I started craving time with other people.  And the only way to go about doing that was to be brave.  I'd stumble through a conversation with my host mom over dinner, practice my Spanish with the woman selling jewelry in the market, or go on a day trip with a neighboring hostel and hear about other people's stories of travel and adventure.  Sometimes, like I said above, being an introvert makes you learn about yourself. And it's good to hibernate away from people for a little while.  But sometimes it can make you cripplingly shy.  So what I've learned is that I must use my alone time to grow myself - both in my knowledge of me and my knowledge of the world.  Because both are stunningly important.

about things that are difficult

1) sometimes they don't make sense :: This is my last week at home here in Fauquier county, VA.  and it has been a rough one for our community.  On Monday, a high school student passed away in a car accident. Last night, a sweet thirteen year old, Sydney, died after battling leukemia for over a year.  When I think about these two tragedies there is very little about them that makes any sense. That isn't how life is supposed to work.  Young kids are supposed to grow up and have dreams and fulfill them and make mistakes and learn.  They are supposed to live.  And so this, these two awful deaths, are painful because they don't make sense.  And I wish, so much, that things like this were just not allowed to happen.  

2) sometimes they make us better :: My dear friend Maria wrote a blog post about the time she made a quick trip to DC a few weeks ago, and in it she says something that I think is really beautiful.  "And it's good to feel a little lost. Because in those times, it's so much easier to be actually dependent on the only true foundation that won't escape." Something common about difficulty, be it big or small, is that it makes us feel uncertain about the motion of our lives; as though we are standing on shaky ground, ready to break.  And this is where the Lord says, "I am a rock".  It makes me think of Noah, how after all those days of difficulty, bearing his fear inside the boat he created, uncertain how it would all play out - how sweet that dry land much have felt under his feet - to bend down and kiss it, to taste the dirt of the Lord's faithfulness and to thank Him that all along was waiting this steady foundation.  

3) sometimes they ask us to hope :: Jesus says that in this world we will have difficulties.  He lays it out a simple as that, like a promise, that we who live in a sinful, broken place will have heartache and sorrow.  This is not something we want.  But it is a guarantee. We are to expect it.  But he asks more of us: that we, knowing full well that life is hard, would have hope.  Though the earth give way, though the mountains crumble to the sea.  "Take heart!" he says.  "For I have overcome the world!"  He has overcome our pain.  He has overcome our sorrow.  And it's hard, really hard, but we are not called to despair.  We are called to weather our storms, to cling to our eternal foundation, and to pray to Him for hope: that we may wait expectantly for a day where every tear is wiped from our eyes and there is nothing more to hope for.  

about Washington, D.C.

1) Washington, D.C. has lots of sweet free stuff :: one thing I love about D.C. is the fact that you can spend a whole day there just meandering around without spending a dime and have the time of your life.  I guess mainly I'm thinking of museums, but I guess other things there are free? Maybe not. but you can walk around the monuments for free and I think that's a pretty spectacular treat.

2) Washington, D.C. has date lab:: every Sunday the Washington Post Magazine runs a special called Date Lab where they set two Washingtonians up in hopes of sparking love.  It almost never works out and they end up hating each other and every week my heart dies a little bit more, but I like the idea.

3) Washington, D.C. will be a place I'll spend a lot of time :: Today I accepted a fantastic internship position with an organization that seeks to end global hunger.  I'm STOKED. God is good for providing it and preparing me with loads of excitement and joy to do this work. And it's in the beautiful district of colombia.  I can't wait to have an excuse to be there everyday and discover more and more of the city I already love to pieces.

about cooking dinner

cobbler!

apron-ed up!

the lasagna before the oven...I got too excited about eating
 it to take an after-picture

1) cooking dinner is work :: props to all those moms and dads out there (mine included) who cook dinner for their families after a long day of work.  Something I grew up valuing is spending time with your family, TV off, enjoying a meal with one another.  But WHEW, cooking is work! Last night I made dinner and dessert and it gave me a whole new appreciation for all the times someone has made the effort to offer me a home-cooked meal.

2) cooking dinner allows you great wardrobe options :: One bonus of cooking is getting to wear an apron around the house.  Last year, my roommates and I had aprons strung all over our pantry doors; it wasn't rare for someone to be wearing one for either meal-making or just twirling around the kitchen to the latest J. Biebs song.  Yesterday I cooked in my straight-from-Paris (thanks, D) apron, which is perfect because French people can cook well and also because there is a picture of a cat on the bottom.  Also, I'm trying to think of a way I could wear an apron at all times of the day and have it not be weird -  that way when I spill something it's like a bonus layer. I just strip it off and wah-la! second-chance outfit underneath.

3) cooking dinner makes me feel like pinterest matters :: Like most members of my gender with access to the internets, I have a pinterest. and I pin things. a lot.  and most days I merely dream about maybe, one day, if I ever get the free time, actually using a recipe or craft idea that I pin on my boards.  I found this yummy recipe for Creamy White Chicken and Artichoke Lasagna and pinned it and guess what? I actually COOKED it, it was delicious, and thank you, pinterest.

about technology

1) technology reinforces gender stereotypes :: or at least the way I approach technology does.  Because if my iPod or iPhone or laptop or microwave or whatever stops working, my solution is to say "help me!" in a little squeaky voice and hand said technological equipment off to my dad or brother or boyfriend or random male stranger on the street in order to have them solve the problem.  Yesterday my metro card (that's technology, right? because it either utilizes technology or it is magic) didn't work when I first touched it to the gate and you know who told me to try it again (because surely without that advice I was planning on storming out of there and never using the metro for the rest of my life)? A male.  Boom. Males heart technology. And girls (ok, me) don't. proven fact.

2) technology blows my brain up into a zillion pieces :: I just watched this video on my friend Caroline's blog.  It really is amazing how technology and the way information can spread now has totally transformed our world.

3) technology makes newspapers longer :: This morning I was skimming the Post's website and I realized that it has an entire tech section! There is so much technology swimming around out there that they dedicate a whole tab to it.  The tech tab back in the olden days must've been pretty sparse. And I'm sure that butter-churning and the pony express were far more boring than the new iPhone 5 release.

about beginnings

1) beginning a blog again :: is a fun and exciting challenge.  I find that starting a new writing project such as this makes me excited to actually blog again.  My old blog was lacking life and I was lacking joy in maintaining it, so here we go again!

2) beginning a habit :: of getting fast food in my pajamas.  This makes two days in a row.  (damn drive-thru's make it so easy).  I'm pretty sure that you actually have to do something like 1118 times (trust me, I never make up arbitrary numbers...) before it becomes a real habit, so I think there is still hope for me.

3) beginning before you should really be beginning :: could be dangerous.  Today I interviewed for a job and whilst I wandered to the office I started thinking of how that walk, that metro ride, that office twirly-fun-entrance (I suppose the actual name is "revolving door") could become my new normal. It was exciting to imagine all the fresh new things that opportunity could bring... but better sense is telling me not to count my chickens before they hatch (even though better sense is boring).